I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
