I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
