and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
