I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
