I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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