Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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