She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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