I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
