Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
