I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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