Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
