I am puke
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
