I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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