Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
should my penis look like a turkey
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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