Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
"it" just moved
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize