the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
