I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
