i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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