i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
