i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
