I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
