i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
