I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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