This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
