So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize