I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
