my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
