Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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