I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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