I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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