If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
