if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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