I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
