sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
