Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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