I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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