I'm so fucking centered right now
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sorry about my life...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize