I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
