Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
