I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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