i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
