pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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