sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
