Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
