I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
