My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
