i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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