When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize