You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
