I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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