life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
