I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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