I think i sorta joined a cult last night
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
