I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
