She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize