Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
