sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
