I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Iām drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
