You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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