I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
