my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
