tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
