I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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