Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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