For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
